Sunday, October 11, 2020

Episode #17 Pursuer and Distancer

Episode 17 - Pursuer and Distancer

You are so low maintenance and easy going with this Holiday!

Hey everyone, welcome to BWBL episode 17. I am really excited to talk to you guys again, and I hope you all had a wonderful Valentine’s Day; if it is something that you celebrate. It is something that Jake and I kinda celebrate, although the other day, he told me something about how “low maintenance and easy going I am with the holiday”, and I was like OMG I don’t know if anyone would ever describe me as one of those things LOL! I thought, “What is going on!” But, I think honestly, with Jake’s schedule and we just got back from a wonderful trip in Italy, and have a couple cool trips coming up this summer, it just wasn’t super important to me to make reservations as a restaurant or doing any really big gifts or something like that.

We just had a low-key day at home, which was really nice. I just tried cooking a couple new recipes and it was just wonderful. So, I hope however you guys celebrated it was really nice and if you guys don’t celebrate, I get that too. There are a lot of people who don’t celebrate it! I think if it weren’t for me, Jake wouldn’t celebrate it! He kind of considers it another “Hallmark” holiday. Which, hey, I am a big Hallmark fan, so I am all aboard. But, anyways, we are all in different places on that, I guess, anyways, I hope you had a good day!

Hopefully, I can obliterate that!

Today, we are going to be talking about the pursuer and distancer pattern that comes up a lot in different relationships. So, much of this could be super normal.

So, in conflict, one of the things that happens, typically there is one partner who will kind of pull away or withdraw and then the other partner will kind of try to lean in and grasp on to the partner, so we call that the pursuer and distancer pattern.

There are certainly some relationships where both partners can be the pursuer and or distancer, but for the most part there is one pursuer and one distancer. Most of the time in a heterosexual relationship, the women is going to be the pursuer, and the man is going to be the distancer.

Now, hopefully I can obliterate all of that in terms of generalization, because in mine and Jake’s relationship, we are the opposite. Jake is a little bit more of the pursuer, and I am a little bit more of the distancer. Now, I am not sure how much this relates to our own attachment styles or the possibility that I am far more introverted than Jake and so, even though he still tests as an introvert, I tested very high as an introvert. I tested in the 85-90% as an introvert and I think Jake tested a little over the 50%. So, something to that effect, and I don’t know how much of that is related to that.

In conflict, I am often the one who needs a bit more time and space to mull over how I am feeling, think about any feedback that Jake has given me, sometimes I just need time to calm down a little bit. As introverted as I am, I have very strong emotions about certain things. Since there are just a couple of hot topics in mine and Jake’s marriage, there are some things that I need a little bit of time to calm down before I am really able to talk about them in a healthy way.

Jake, being less introverted, I won’t necessarily call him an extrovert - he is just less introverted- and he is very much community oriented. It was funny, we had a day off together a few weeks ago and I think I had a bunch of errands to run that day, and he just said something like, “hey, do you want me to go to the grocery store with you?” And I know Jake, and I know that was his way of saying that he wanted to go to the grocery store with me, not that he was just offering and had time availability or if I wanted him to go with me. He knew that if I had it my own way, that I would say “yes that would be great!” And I would give him half of my grocery list, and I would take the other half and we would divide and conquer. But, because I know Jake and I know that he is all about community, I knew that was his way of wanting to do something together.

So, we went to the grocery store and we hung out the entire time, and we went through the whole grocery list together, down each aisle and I am sure that it just took an extra two minutes and we had a wonderful time.

Jake being less introverted he is much more about community, so for him when there is conflict he really wants to talk about it and resolve it; really as fast as possible so that he can get back to that sense of connection.

So, here is kinda the interesting thing, pursuers and distancers really, for the most part, want the same thing. They want connection with their partners, they want to get back on the same page with their partners; it is just how they go about it that is quite different.

In some regards, a pursuer who is kind of doing this in an unhealthy way they could push and push and push and push; and eventually push their partner away. Whereas a distancer might withdraw, withdraw, withdraw, withdraw; and eventually they have lost their partner because they have withdrawn so much.

But if we can find that healthy medium, we can find ways of getting reconnected through pursuit of our partners, getting reconnected that way. Also, with a temporary amount of time, I think I wouldn’t call it withdrawing, I would call it reflection, a little time to reflect. So, that is kinda the thing with pursuers and distancers.

The really cool thing about it is there are a lot of resources out there. Gottman resources has a blog about the pursuer/distancer. There is also in couples therapy that is called the Emotion Focused Therapy by Sue Johnson. She is kind of a pioneer in the field, she has written a few books on. I think one of the titles is Hold me Tight, that she is really well known for, talks about this pattern.

Risk and Vulnerability

The thing I notice about this pattern a lot with my clients is that there is risk with this pattern, a lot of vulnerability. If you are someone who is a bit more concerned with this, you might be someone who is like, “I need to pull away before this person can hurt me.” Or” I am gonna pull away before the other person pulls away first.” Or “I need to control this situation”, or “I need to force them to talk to me about this.” “I am gonna text them nonstop, call them 15 times, send them “x” amount of emails, I am gonna show up at work.”

Again, knowing that each one of those things is a part of risk and vulnerability in that we want to connect with our partners. We, in times of conflict, especially in unhealthy conflict, we can feel such a sense of disconnect. We can feel a lot of doubt and a lot of concern about the relationship. We can express this in some really unhealthy ways.

So, here is what we do, we lean in towards solutions of turning towards our partners, especially in case of a distancer, such as myself. I really had to learn to say, “hey, for whatever reason, I am feeling really heated about this topic and I want to make sure that we talk about this in a healthy and productive way. I think I just need a couple of hours and then I will be able to talk about it. Can we resume this evening?” Or “I am just going to go into this other room for a few minutes and I will definitely come out and talk with you about this. I am not going to leave this unresolved.” We need to let our pursuer partners know what is going on, otherwise it can lead to stonewalling.

So, for our pursuers, we need that vulnerability. We need that trust. We need the availability to give our partners the space for them to take whatever time they need so that they can reconnect with us. Ideally, this is going to be much less than 24 hours, probably more like 20 minutes. 20-30 minutes is about the time we need physiologically to kind of calm down from the intense emotions that we are feeling. So, we need to soften a little bit and give our distancer partners a chance to do that. We also want to come from a place of generosity and give our partners the benefit of the doubt, trusting that whatever the conflict is, that our partners are wanting to connect with us.

Distancers are concerned with if they are pushed too much, they will say something they regret. The pursuer is concerned that if they don’t pursue and drop everything, they will be so disconnected from the distancer. So, giving the benefit of the doubt that we are all on the same page, on the same team we want to get back to a point of connecting.

In order to do that, it is important that we learn to talk about our emotions. We need to have the language of, “I am really feeling flooded right now. I am feeling overwhelmed, I am feeling confused. I am feeling really intense emotions and I am not quite sure how to articulate and I just need a few minutes to do that. I am feeling really intense emotions and I am not sure how to articulate that, but I am concerned that we are going to get disconnected and I wanna make sure that doesn’t happen.”

Language of Emotion and Connection

So, I think some of the things we can do is take a slight break - again, it's going to be about 20-30 minutes, usually. In an ideal world we don’t really want it to be more than 24 hours.

And here is the key, especially for us distancers; we need to go back and revisit that conflict. We can’t just brush it under the rug and just say after distancing ourselves, “Oh, things are better!” We need to revisit that conflict and return to it and process it with our partners. Whenever we have the language of emotion to do that or we have the language of connection to do that it is often much easier for us and our partner to go revisit these things that are causing conflict; and as we know, a lot of perpetual conflict in most if not all of our relationships. So, these things are going to come up.

Well, I hope you guys have taken a little nugget of wisdom from this conversation of the pursuer and distancer pattern. There are lots of really good resources out there and I always refer you guys to the Gottman Institute. Also, there is Sue Johnson with the Hold me Tight book and the emotion focused therapy.

As always, we are at www.harmonytherapygroup.com/betterwifebetterlife and you can find us on Facebook or Instagram @HarmonyTherapyGroup and on Twitter @HTGTherapist. Thanks so much for listening and we look forward to you guys next week.

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Episode #16 Traveling

Episode 16 - Traveling

Hi again, welcome to episode 16 of BWBL. My name is Meredith Riddick and I am excited to talk to you guys today. We are going to be talking about traveling with your partners or future partners. So, I love this topic! Traveling provides such rich opportunities for building rituals or shared meetings together. Also, traveling provides opportunities to try “repair attempts” in the 5:1 positive to negative ratio with conflict. Conflict might be inevitable with travel, I guess it kind of depends.

If driving in Rome doesn’t build trust - I don’t know what will!

So, Jake and I recently went to Italy and had an amazing time. Traveling is definitely a value of both of ours, and while we are in a season of life where we don’t have any kids, we are really trying to take advantage of that. We live pretty close to D.C. we are kind of in a good place to get some really good flights to some pretty cool places, man there is a lot on the East Coast that we haven’t gone out to yet. We are really enjoying living out that value in our marriage.

So, we just got back from Italy, and there were so many things about it that were cool. One of the things that is really important to Jake when we travel is that we do more of what the locals do. He will do a few of the tourist-y things but we don’t come somewhere and miss out on what is common. You know, you go someplace, and it is tourist-y for a reason, right? But he really gets more excited about doing things that aren’t on the beaten path and more of hidden gems. So, one of the cool things we did while we were in Italy was, we signed up for a group cooking class, Tuscan style as we were in the Tuscany region.

But it ended up being that we were the only ones who signed up, we definitely went during the off season, so not as many people there. So, we basically got this private cooking class on Tuscany style cooking, which was really cool. So, we did that and we spent a couple days in Rome, and while we were driving to Tuscany - and OMG BTW getting a rental car in Italy and driving around, if that doesn’t build trust with your partner or provide opportunities to do repair attempts, I don’t know what will! - OMG Jake was such a trooper, we got a rental car for the entire time we were there.

Now looking back, we would have only gotten a rental for driving around the countryside, we did not need one in Rome. And man, I made Jake drive the entire time while we were in Rome and I pretty much drove the entire time while in the country area. OMG, Rome was crazy! And we are from Houston! I have a lead foot, and I have to watch my road rage sometimes, but in Rome, it was overwhelming! One thing we did not anticipate about Rome was how difficult it would be to find parking.

So, we experienced that in Rome and in Florence actually. We had a really difficult time finding parking and that was really stressful for me, we actually ended up missing a guided tour that we had signed up for and paid for in Florence, which was upsetting because we were not going to be able to get our money back from that and we definitely had some opportunities going through that and doing some repair attempts and just trying to build connections in other areas.

Then, when we were in the country areas, it was less overwhelming but they had very small and narrow roads and people would go extremely fast on them, so we kept getting passed by people...even though I feel like we were driving pretty fast ourselves. Anyways, it was kind of funny. While in the Tuscany area, we had many opportunities for rest and relaxation. We visited many wineries and did side trips to like Pisa and saw the Leaning Tower.

Oh, we went to this really cool small town, it was almost medieval called Volterra. We just had a great time walking around and eating great food. We are both kind of foodies a little bit in different ways. We really enjoy trying new local food, and when you are in Italy, that is not hard to do. It was amazing.

Travel to reconnect and rejuvenate

So, we really enjoyed that. What I notice about traveling, with my clients, especially when you have kiddos is that it just might be really hard to do. Or you might be in a season of life where it is not financially easy to do when it comes to big trips.

I have a lot of clients who want to travel more, it is an opportunity to connect with their partners, but they are in a season of life where it is harder. I just give a lot of encouragement in trying to find a way to make it work. Whether that is asking family or friends to babysit the kids for a weekend, and you could trade if you have friends that can watch them for a weekend. You watch their kids for a weekend, and then they can watch your kids for another weekend. Just to provide them with some opportunities to get away. Maybe if it is financial going camping, or whatever, these are things - traveling - people really desire to do. Sometimes the follow through is sometimes a bit harder to do.

I notice, especially when my clients go away together as a retreat, OMG they come back some much more connected with their partners and they are able to get away and relax and reconnect as a couple and then they come back rejuvenated to deal with life again. Which is in a different lens, you know. And if you are dating and travel is something you enjoy with a partner, you know, that could be really wonderful! You can learn so much from a person while traveling with them. Some daily habits, how flexible they are, how rigid they are - that has really been one of my growth opportunities - traveling together can really be a wonderful way to connect and get to know another person.

After traveling, reflect!

So, just kind of reflecting our trip to Italy and thinking about the things that went really well and a couple logistics that we would do differently. That kind of stressful day in Florence where we just were not finding any parking and missing our tour, I was frustrated by that. Poor Jake was trying to fix it and figure out what he could do, and we just ended up making the most of it at the end. Some good repair attempts after, not too long after the stress, was good.

We just encourage you guys to plan your own trip. If it is in a year or two years from now, if it just isn’t feasible right now, just plan something. Go on a date and live vicariously, just planning something. Maybe if you just recently traveled, reflect with your partner on what went well and what didn’t go well. If you had to go back, what would you do differently, or change. If you would do something the exact same way, what would that be?

Hope you guys have some travel in your future! As always, we are at www.harmoneytherapygroup.com/betterwifebetterlife and on Facebook and Instagram we are @HarmonyTherapyGroup and Twitter @HTGTherapist. See you guys next week!

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Episode #15 Attraction

Episode 15 - Attraction

“Yeah, she is cute enough!”

Hey everybody, welcome to episode 15 of BWBL! Today I really wanted us to talk about the topic of attraction. And I will tell you guys why it has been on my mind a little bit more these days, it is kind of funny!

I don’t watch a whole lot of TV, but when I do, I get sucked into some shows. I’m probably like the rest of you. The one of the shows that I get sucked into is the reality show Married at First Sight. I haven’t watched all the seasons, maybe like half of them I have watched. I just find it hilarious and kind of fascinating, human behavior, and that kind of thing. And since I have been married, I get Jake sucked into it as well. So, we have been watching the most recent season, and yeah, it never ceases to amaze me the importance that individuals put on physical attraction. Especially knowing you are going on a show and getting married to someone before you meet them at the altar.

It is kind of interesting, and I am sure, that some of that is just for good TV. But I also see it with clients a lot, and I can remember that with my own dating experiences that what this felt like, and negative experiences myself. I thought I would talk about that.

So, fortunately, Jake and I were pretty lucky in the sense that we both had similar views on attraction. I can’t remember if I told you guys this or not, Jake and I met on eHarmony. And we will both say that we were not blown away by each other's profile, it was more so, is this someone I would like to meet up with and just check him out, see what he’s like. “Sure”. And I think he felt the same about me, “Yeah she is cute enough, and looks ok.” LOL By looks “ok” I mean the rest of my profile.

So, not that we weren’t attracted to each other, it just wasn’t this mind blowing experience of “Oh, he’s so hot, or she’s so hot” or whatever, but certainly after dating and now being married, our attraction continues to grow for each other, physical attraction for each other continues to grow. Which is actually consistent with what research says anyway? I am really lucky there, and I will also mention that I have negative experiences in the past. Ya know, I definitely have had negative experiences. I dated someone who told me that they were not attracted to me physically. Almost at the time, I was kind of amused by it, like “Ok, why is this person saying that.” And the majorly subtle ways and of course eventually that relationship DID NOT work out.

But, by the time I dated a bit more I became more selective and pickier with what I was looking for in an individual in terms of how they viewed different things. I wanted someone who was first of all that they did find me physically attractive but wasn’t using societal standards for that. You know, if you have been in that position where you have been told something ugly or negative by your partner, or previous partner. I am so sorry! I have been there, and I know exactly what that feels like. And I want to tell you that I don’t really care what you look like, it is not about you sister! It is all about them and what they are struggling with. Especially when they have said something negative to you.

The “LIST”

In my own practice, I don’t really notice this too much in a lot of my married clients. Perhaps their partners have made negative comments or implications to them or it is not like a direct statement. It could be that they are looking at someone at a restaurant and say, I could never be with someone who looks like that. And of course, we can kind of internalize that and say, “Oh, gosh, I can’t really look that way, or I can’t let X, Y and Z happen.” Heaven forbid we age and get wrinkles and grey hair! Actually, I can’t talk about grey hairs because I dye my hair HAHA. I digress. Maybe talking more about things weight and shape.

But where I do see it most is with a lot of my clients who are still dating. This is sometimes a primary topic when they come in and talk during therapy. They are usually in their 20’s- early 30’s and man I feel for them! Physical attraction is still highly prioritized in the dating scene in a negative way. “This person needs to look like this, or that.” I had a couple friends a couple years ago and they still had a “List” of qualities that they were looking for in a partner. One of my friends even had a certain eye color and certain height requirement. You know, some of these things I am going “Oh my gosh” we need to look at this!

It is totally fine to have preferences, but whenever we allow physical attraction to be something that hinders our ability to even consider getting to know somebody who potentially has the internal qualities that we really look for in a partner; that is when it becomes problematic.

I have also seen it maybe in the opposite way in a sense. We can attribute a lot of unrealistic things to people who are physically attractive according to societal standards. So, the beauty ideal kind of shifts over the years, so I just mean the current beauty ideal now is. A lot of people must think, of those people must have a really amazing sex life and are successful and are really happy, and I guarantee that that is not the case! I work with a lot of individuals who struggle with body image and eating disorders and through some of that, they may have a physically attractive appearance, again, based on our current societal standards. I know so many of those ladies, I will be honest, they are not happy and definitely do not have a satisfying sex life. So, it is something to think about there.

Research says, “ROCK THE MOM BOD!”

What does research say? Research is very interesting; in many ways we have not progressed as much as we think we have like from caveman days. Subconsciously, women tend to, I am going to talk in terms of heterosexual attractions, but for research, we tend to be more physically attracted to men who look like they can physically protect us. So, usually that is going to be broader shoulders, might be height, some version of muscularity, something like that.

Men, subconsciously, are more attracted to women who look like they may be fertile. So, usually this is going to be a woman with a certain waist to hip ratio, a little curvier, obviously has enough body fat on her to potentially have a child or at least look like she does, did or could, you know. So, man, we need to rock those mom bods!

So that is a little bit about research. The other thing research says about physical attractions is having symmetrical features, particularly of the face. This research is done more so with babies and who babies are particularly more drawn to when there isn’t an attachment already formed; it is usually to individuals with more symmetrical facial features.

The cherry on top.

Apart from that, those are things that we usually notice when we first meet someone, our physical attraction really grows when we really get to know the person better, in terms of their personality and character. I would say this is really what happened with Jake and me, the more we really got to know each other, the more we really became more physically attracted to each other.

Maybe you have experienced the opposite as well. Where you initially met someone and thought that they are really cute, or hot or so beautiful and then you got to know them, and they didn’t really have a lot of personality traits or character that you find attractive. Thus, you became less physically attracted to them. So those are the kinds of things that research talks about.

So, one thing to remember is that attraction is subjective and that we really need to focus on more internal qualities that we will appreciate in our partners or are looking for in our future partners. It is also really fine if you find your partner really attractive! I would say that that is just a bonus and that is the cherry on top. But I will say that it is our responsibility to cultivate that and to seek it out where it is not the responsibility of our partners or future partners to alter their appearance for us.

That is something I am kind of noticing on this show Married at First Sight, that individuals are complaining behind the scenes about what their partners look like and kind of putting it on their partners. When in reality it needs to be more about their insight or self-awareness that is what they should be emphasizing in connection with their partner.

Internally attractive qualities

So, if this is something that kind of resonates with you one way or another, maybe make a list of internally attractive qualities about your partner that you really appreciate. Maybe go back to when you first started dating, or how they interact with your children or something like that. Something that is a positive association. Or, if you are one of my listeners who is single, maybe write out a list of things you desire in your partner in terms of internally attractive qualities. And as you meet individuals on the dating scene or just in general, just kind of notice those qualities or what comes up for you when noticing physical attractions.

Alright, thanks for listening! You can always reach us at our website, www.harmonytherapygroup.com/betterwifebetterlife and if you have any interest in staying up with the behind the scenes things, you can scroll to the bottom of that page and sign up for our email list. I will keep you guys updated; we have an e-course that is diving deeper into these topics. You can also follow us on social media, Facebook and Instagram @HarmonyTherapyGroup and on Twitter @ HTGTherapists.

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Saturday, August 22, 2020

Episode #14 The Quality of Your Marriage is More Important Than the Size of Your Wedding Dress

Episode # 14 - The Quality of Your Marriage is More Important than the Size of Your Wedding Dress

Wedding dress sizes are so messed up!

Hello, and welcome back to Better Wife Better Life. Today, I really just wanted to talk off the cuff with you guys about a few things that are related to engagement and marriage that are just kind of on my mind. I just think we are in the middle of engagement season and more engagements happen between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s day or something like that. And so, I have been thinking about that a lot.

It is really kinda the ultimate, I guess, mixture, I was trying to come up with a more eloquent word than that but, but kind of a mixture of a couple different specialties I have. As you guys know, I have specialized in relationship issues and also, I have another specialty in eating disorders and body image.

So, I am often talking to my eating disorders clients who are struggling with body image about their wedding dress and how they look in wedding pictures and that kind of thing. And often, when they get engaged, there is major pressure and stress to diet or to get more “toned so that my arms look a certain way in my wedding dress”.

Or gosh, we know that wedding dress sizes are kind of messed up anyways, so I don’t want to go up to that size, the number matters. So, I am often talking a lot about all of this. On the flip side, for the purposes of this podcast, I want to talk about the WHY.

Ditch the Diet!

When I am doing my social media things, I am often saying “ditch the diet”, you know. And that is because, it is one thing to plan a wedding and I get it , there is a lot that goes into planning a wedding and of course you want to look amazing in your wedding dress, or whatever it is and you wanna look back on your wedding pictures and feel good about that. The marriage is by far the most important aspect of that.

So, I am just a really big believer that we need to focus more on that, and I wish more engagement presents to couples would be more of pre-marital counseling. Not for the purpose of talking them out of it, but so that they can go into it with realistic expectations. And to really know each other and to start or continue a dialogue about some tough issues that will come up in marriage.

Put off getting the wedding dress till the end?

That is one reason that I am a really big encourager of little things like, maybe put off getting a wedding dress till the end. I know that that is usually one of the first things to get, maybe wait until after you get the venue. I know that a lot of seamstresses say that they know a lot of time for multiple fittings, you know, I think that it would be better to focus more on maybe get a dress bigger than the size you need and have more of the alterations and fitting later, much later, focus more on normal eating and normal exercise, normal sleep.

Maybe try not to do things that will alter your body and find ways to be happy and accepting when you look back at your pictures. I often find that the dissatisfaction when looking back at the picture has nothing to do with the size you were in the actual picture. It is often what we make up about it when we look at the picture. It is the narrative that can mess with our minds.

Maybe take your engagement period as an opportunity to do some exposure to pictures of yourself in social media, so that you can get used to that sort of thing. Or have the photographer do different poses that are for you that are fun or meaningful. Or, now they do some really fun pictures that the couple does with their pets. Making sure that you can feel good about your pictures with your partner, and not because you are a certain size, or that your arms are a certain level of being toned. Or whatever it is in those photos. So that this gives us space to focus more on the marriage and that can look like premarital counseling or going through a book together.

Jake and I did both of those things. We went through the 7 Principles for Making your Marriage Work book by Gottman and we did a little bit of pre-marital counseling. So, there are things that are available no matter what the budget is, or the requirements are for where you are getting married. I just want to give some encouragement to that as we are getting closer and closer to valentine’s day. And more and more engagements, whether it is you or a friend or family member that you have.

The quality of your marriage is more important than the size of your wedding dress.

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Episode #13 Affair Proof Your Marriage

Episode # 13 - Affair Proof Your Marriage

It is roughly 50/50

Hello, welcome to episode 13 of Better Wife Better Life. Today we are going to be talking about how to affair proof your marriage.

I first have to acknowledge that I am not the first one to come up with that term, and I am not sure who did as I read it so long ago. So, I apologize that I do not know who to give credit to. I just know that I read it somewhere and I latched on to that term.

Affair proofing your marriage, and I really want to be clear, this is more of the part where we can control whenever it comes to fidelity. I recognize that there are lots of situations where there wasn’t anything you did; it wasn’t something your partner sought after. But I wanna talk about some of the commonalities that happen with infidelity and maybe some areas that if we know enough about in advance, we can prevent these things as much as possible.

So, unfortunately, affairs are pretty equal these days between men and women. It is roughly 50/50. I think back in the day, statistics leaned towards a bit more men having affairs than women. But I think in the last few years I read a statistic that said that ever since more women have entered the workforce that infidelity has been more equal. Which I find interesting, right?

I think a lot of it just goes to that it isn’t just most of us seeking that out as much as there is opportunity and that there are vulnerabilities in relationships. It is the vulnerabilities in relationships that I want to speak to today.

It is more than just sex.

A lot of times affairs, for men, typically come from a place of respect. There is idea that men have affairs because of sex, or maybe just affairs in general are about sex and that is it. And it is really not, it is really deeper than that.

So, sometimes the affair for men can be about a sense of respect or admiration from somebody if he is not getting it from home. For us women, it can be quite a bit more about a sense of love, tenderness, affection, caring that kind of thing that we may feel that we are not getting at home. So, affairs really with the underlying stuff are about a lot more emotional and not sexual, usually.

When I think about affair proofing your relationship, I’m talking more about how we can address the underlying concerns there and give a few practical steps.

You better believe that I am going to try and do more of those kinds of things!

In terms of the underlying issues, that can be a bit more self-explanatory to what I just said. It is understanding what are more of the underlying needs of your partner that you can really make sure that you are intentional about and striving to meet.

In healthy ways, I am not talking about co-dependent stuff where we are taking ownership of our partner’s feeling and emotional wellbeing, and that kind of thing. It is, “If I know that I am married to a person with a specific love language or who feels especially connected when I do this” you better believe that I am going to try and do more of those kinds of things! I may not always be perfect at it, but I want to keep that in the front of my mind in our relationship.

Other things that might come in handy are kind of having this open dialogue or open communication about individuals you may come across that you are attracted to. This can be somewhat hard, to tell your partner up front that like, “Man we had this new colleague or work associate who started today and I found myself a little attracted to him/her and it reminded me of those times that I felt that way about you, and gosh I miss those times.” Just being able to have open conversations about that. Attraction doesn’t mean that you are going to have an affair or that you are going to cheat on your partner or your spouse. Attraction is one of those things that comes up without us expecting it.

Forgetting can fester.

One of the things that Jake and I do, and maybe this is something that you guys can consider is, trying to navigate this so that it isn’t a controlling thing. We don’t want that at all. We don’t want that desire to control each other.

But before we got married, like after we got engaged but before we were married, we sat down and had a conversation of how we want to handle exes and want to handle friends, new friends, work associates and that kind of thing, of the opposite sex. And it doesn’t have to just be the opposite sex. It can just be anyone who you might be attractive to and might distract from your connection that you have with your partner.

So, we decided that in terms of social media and reaching out to exes, that would not really be a part of our lives. Of course, if someone did reach out to us that we wouldn’t necessarily be mean about it but if that did happen we would tell each other, “Oh hey, I heard from so and so today, and I just wanted to let you know.”

There are sometimes a part of that, that keeping this seemingly innocent secret or forgetting to tell them can really fester and this can be where emotional affairs can happen. If you are emailing or texting an ex, or looking them up on social media and you are not telling your partner intentionally, those are some of the early warning signs that you are not feeling connected to your partner and that you are seeking it elsewhere. Those things can turn into something sexual overtime.

So, those are things that Jake and I do because we don't have a desire to control each other so we don’t check each other's social media accounts or like to go through our phones. If that is you and your partner mutually agreed upon, then that is totally fine. Jake and I don’t necessarily feel that we need to do that, we trust each other and thus far in our marriage we have hardly ever had to tell each other that we have heard from somebody, or that we were attracted to someone, or that we looked up someone or whatever. I think when you have that open dialogue it just happens. Over time anyways. It certainly takes practice.

Forgiveness is the process of us letting go of the bitterness that can eat away at us.

In my work with my clients, it is hard, I have had clients who were having affairs on their partners and had clients who have had partners having affairs on them. So, processing this and the complicated emotions that come from this can be really difficult in therapy.

But I think that one thing that it goes back to is the feeling of not being connected to your partner or spouse; having to go back and look at the early warning signs. But one of the things I can say to you is if you are in a marriage or relationship where there has been infidelity, I want to let you know that there are so many good resources for healing and reconciliation and forgiveness.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you are saying that it is ok or that it was right, forgiveness is the process of us letting go of the bitterness that can eat away at us. There are some really good resources out there like affairrecovery.com is a great one. And otherwise if you are in a position of being attracted to others kind of over and over and feeling disconnected from your spouse or maybe you are having an emotional or sexual affair right now, you might want to look into your own therapy and just kind of process what is going on, because I guarantee that it is not about the actual sex.

So, those are just a few things, food for thought, to think about. You can look at affairrecovery.com and we post a lot of things from Gottman articles on our social media.

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